Monday, May 5, 2014

Please Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself

This has been a long time coming.

About 5 years ago, in the early stages of my poker career, I began a blog with the intention of sharing some stories from my life, a majority of which came from poker.  I was a professional Omaha player, commonly referred to as PLO (Pot Limit Omaha), thus engendering the blog title "Confessions of a Young PLOfessional."

These days I can no longer truly call myself an Omaha player, try to say I'm not a professional poker player (not many take this with much credence), and moreover, the "focus" of my blog has shifted rather far away from poker.

With this in mind, I have decided to change my blog title to "Life of a -Don," homage to a Logic song, and my extensive background as the head of a mob family.

Hopefully this will inspire me to actually start writing...

Please allow me to re-introduce myself (my name is Cole, my n*****)


There was a day and age where I liked hashtags.

I should re-phrase that (I still like hashtags).

There was a day and age where I respected hashtags.

When they first appeared, hashtags seemed the perfect literary tool.  To me, they provided something like an alter-ego within a single alternative voice a la Jim Gaffigan's audience voice (#hotpockets).  It could provide a shift to sarcasm, a summarizing point, or in times of desperation/confusion, the actual topic I'm talking about (#hashtags).  It seemed innocent enough and I enjoyed its introduction.

But now here we are in 2014...

It seems as if Instagram has installed some sort of hashtag quota that users need to fulfill in order to maintain their accounts on the site.  Over 50% of your captions are JUST words?  Get the fuck out of here.  Your caption reads like an actual sentence instead of someone trying to spit out their last words while choking on a walnut?  NOT FOR INSTAGRAM.

Do people even realize what they are writing?  #Does #anyone #realize #how #much #harder #it #is #to #read #with #all #of #these #stupid #fucking ##s #in #the #way?  Let alone TYPE.  I fear that in the future the # is going to jump right into the middle of the keyboard lest we not have to mash "Shift + 3" every time we try to write "descriptions."  There doesn't even seem to be an article clause like we have for "the" and "a" which are commonly un-capitalized in titles.  Hashtag that shit!  What if someone is trying to search for all the #a's just to see what people are saying about "A?!" You know some Chinese kid does that somewhere.

And "latergram"???  I had to go and look that shit up online the other day because I kept seeing it and wondering what the hell it was, and why in the world such an apparently meaningless word was being hashtagged in 125% of the pictures I was seeing on Facebook.  Turns out its just to notify me that "THIS WAS NOT INDEED AN INSTANTANEOUSLY POSTED PICTURE"...kind of like most pictures of most people in all day every day life...seriously.  You have no idea the amount of stress that saved me in wondering when that picture was taken.  I was all like, "Wow she's posting it at 9 pm but the sun looks like this REALLY an Instagram or are they just full of shit?  Oh it says #latergram, thank God now I can sleep."

You know what a "latergram" really is?  A normal fucking picture.  That people feel compelled to share instantaneous updates on their lives via social media tilts me enough...that they now feel the need to notify us when its not actually instantaneous...Maybe those old letters we used to write people that traveled through this ancient postal system I've heard a lot about should have included a note at the end, "P.S. Just so you know, this letter only reflects my life/views up until like 2 weeks ago, I apologize for the gross delay."

I feel like there's a few things that people are maybe missing that could help rectify this hashtagopalypse:

1) I can read words that aren't in blue.
2) It has been years since I enjoyed the "see if you can find all of these items hidden in this picture" game...I don't need your hashtag word bank (#maithai #sun #beach #sand #umbrellas #gfy)
3) No one cares when you took your pictures, unless they ask something like "when was this?" at which point you can notify them of a time-frame more meaningful than "not the exact second I posted it"
4) When you hashtag every single word you are detracting from whatever "meaningful" words you were actually trying to hashtag.  We are now just reading a sentence full of stupid delays.
5) If you were in any way offended by any of this, you should probably take a break from social media.

I miss the days when I saw "#" and thought "the pound key or something like that in the corner of the phone."

And put your fucking phones away.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Wizards Sign Drew Gooden In a Blaze of Glory

The Wizards signed Drew Gooden to a contract for the rest of the season today, and I am fired up.

Drew Gooden you say?  You're fired up about Drew Gooden?

I'm fired up about how badly Drew Gooden wanted to play for this team.


To finish his second consecutive 10-day contract with the Wizards, Gooden went OFF on Saturday night, putting up 21 points in a season-high 26 minutes of play.  11 of them came in the 4th quarter when Gooden decided the game was HIS to win.

The Wizards have a plethora of 3 pt shooters - Beal, Ariza, Martell Webster, Wall loves hitting 4th quarter 3s, hell even Al Harrington can jack up the 3 ball.  But who went 1/2  in the 4th quarter from the 3 point line on Saturday with a the look of conviction in his eyes when he shot that ball?  Drew fucking Gooden.  (Note: this doesn't include the 21-footer he hit with his toe on the line that had to be reviewed for several minutes.)

The man was just launching his shots, feeling every single one.

He held his arms up to the crowd, a man on fire.

The other 3 nearly went in as well.  The man just had that look in his eyes.


Now know that going into this game, I have always hated Drew Gooden.  He was a Jayhawk, and as a lifelong Missouri basketball fan, I recognized him for the demon spawn that he was...

...or that I thought he was?  He couldn't really go the way of Mario Chalmers, my one Forgiven Son of the Jayhawk cesspool.  Did I see a fire burning around him that wasn't the fiery embers of the Inferno?  He buried a shot.

And then another shot.

My rational brain reminded me, "he's just a washed up old center, out of the league for almost a year and a half, this can't be that real."

He grabbed a ball outside, toe on the line, and straight up drilled it.

Brain: "Say what."

He said give me that fucking ball from the 3-point line son, I don't care where it is.  Late in a shot clock, he takes the ball in his hand, looks towards the basket, sees he has it.  Rattles it out.

"Oh my God he wants it," I shout at the screen, I can see that fire in his eyes.  All of a sudden I'm a proponent of this 6' 10" man launching bombs.  "Drew Gooden, who are you?!"

I know he's getting that ball back.  We all know he's getting that ball back.

He drills another shot.

Give me another 3 he says.  This is my game.  This is OUR game.  We WILL win this game.

He gets the ball outside.  I am salivating.

Drills it.

"DREW GOODEN!"  I look around the room to the no-one-else-watching in amazement.

"WHAT THE FUCK DREW GOODEN WHO ARE YOU!" I lose my shit at the screen in front of me.

He extends his arms out to the crowd (to ME), a man among men, and I am sold.  Prove yourself no further, Drew Gooden you are a part of this team, give this man the fucking ball.

In a game where the ever-steady C Marcin Gortat was held to 2 pts and a -10 rating, Drew Gooden stepped up with a +17, tacking on 9 rebounds on an incredibly efficient 8/11 from the field and 4/4 at the line.  He was the out-of-the-blue backbone to the Wizards 29-15 4th quarter.

When the clock ran down on the Wizards resolute victory, John Wall stood appropriately betrothed the rock, another man among men, roaring to the sold-out crowd around him.  The crowd roared back.  Exhibiting a near-free-will to get into the lane to create his own shots, Wall tossed in a casual 33 points himself, rising to the equal foe.

This Wizards team is here to fight.

Sure they're coasting their way into the playoffs of a horrendous Eastern Conference, but this is a team that is finally ready to be there, a team that is ready for war.

John Wall is a true leader and has emerged as the legitimate #1 overall-type draft pick the Wizards took him with in 2010.  Bradley Beal hasn't even turned 21 and drives teams fits flying around the court looking for his shot...just to briefly mention his phenomenal talent (l hope some people got to see that block from behind on Friday).  Ariza, Gortat, Nene...Booker, Webster, fucking Al Harrington (who I LOOOOOVE), newly arrived Andre Miller, now even Drew Gooden...

They might not all be household names, they might sound a little bit old, but this team can play.

Just look at how badly Drew Gooden wants to play for them.

The song of the week is inspired by my brain's "Say What" and comes from my favorite rap album of the moment J. Cole's "Born Sinner," check it out if you don't mind a little profanity.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Click Bias Ep. 1: Hate it or Love it, Richard Sherman's On Top

The concept for the following blog is something I've been wanting to do for a few months now, and is semi-inspired by's Hot Clicks ( the hot women part.  I'm sure you will all be satisfied by a hot song instead...  The idea is to post a handful of good links I found over the course of the week during my copious amounts of free time spent wandering the internet, then hopefully not ruin them with pieces of insight/feedback here and there.

These links are obviously going to be a bit oriented to my own interests (click bias), but I'll try not to do over 50% sports...On to the first week...

Gonna start with a shameless attention grabber for the ADHD-inclined, 60 very interesting photos from 2013:

A less surprising photo:

Now, I want to just say a couple of things about Richard Sherman.  My intention was to write a blog about it, but with all the attention he is getting there are already a few writers that have crushed this one.  What I will say is that love him or hate him, I want Richard Sherman playing on my team.  I WANT my teammates thinking they're the best.  Hell there have been times in college flag football games where the opposing QB targeted my WR and I thought "oh hell no what do you think you're doing throwing at me" when I knocked the pass away.  It's a mentality of the game, and while his digs on Crabtree might seem a bit sharp, I really don't think I can blame him.

Looks a bit different with some miced-up context:

And my personal favorite, Sherman ripping Skip Bayless an absolute new one on Bayless's own show last year.  For some this might bring into question his character (touch arrogant) but Skip Bayless is a douche.

Some super artistic dude uses jelly beans to show us exactly what we do (and don't do) during our time on this planet.  If you're not in it for the inspiration, just watch it for how interestingly he portrays it.

Vince Young, the 3rd overall pick in 2006 and former Offensive Rookie of the Year, has (shockingly) filed for bankruptcy.  I will always blame Jeff Fischer a bit for stunting Young's growth by showing absolutely no faith in him by jerking him in and out of the lineup constantly.  Not to say he would've ever grown into a successful NFL quarterback (probably not tbh), but it seemed the rug kept being pulled out from underneath him before the merit for it was ever there.  Either way, we get to watch yet another superstar athlete/entertainer make millions and squander it all in equally short time.  Wish some of that money came my way.

I wish there was a way we could leave these incredible tribes untouched:

Warren Buffett "risking" $1 billion on March Madness this year is a pretty awesome promotional freeroll on his part:

DJ's have rough lives...

And lastly, Vancouver and Calgary started a hockey game last weekend with a full out line brawl, and it was awesome (give it a little to get going):

Throwback music this week.  G-Unit's worst mistake was letting The Game go.