Now give me a #5 on the back and sides for my haircut. You got it, no translation necessary. As of yesterday, I have now had my hair cut in 3 different countries: the U.S., Spain, and Australia. When I was in Spain I asked for my standard #5 after being assured they use the same system. I trusted him enough to let him start, but only had faith in him once he was finished. Legit #5. Yesterday I decided to extend the questioning a little further, first with "Do you guys use the same system here?" He tells me its "universal." He is implying it is used everywhere, and I am astounded, but I inherently trust him more, because his English is better. How is it exactly that hairdressers are the first to unite behind a universal system? Is it because they have already adopted a common flag? I know what you're thinking...the sciences do it too, but I'm talking about everyday civilians adopting the same units of measurement. If I walk into a Somalian village and ask for a #5, I can only assume I'd hear "No problem mate," but delivered in a series of clicks and mouth pops.
(Chill, that was a joke about hairdressers)
I inquired as to what the system for buzz cuts was based on, "Does a #5 mean 5mm?" my lack of knowledge of the metric system on clear display. He examined his razor, "it's 16mm." I blush. How could I really think my hair was 1/3 the length that it is? I attempted to play it off as he kindly tried to assuage my concerns to little avail.
How is it that in an era of rapid globalization, the rest of the world still refuses to adopt the American system of measurement?
We have enhanced the spelling of "color" by dumping the "u", why waste time? I realize why we have switched "s"s to "z"s all over the place; in this land of equal opportunity, let's give "z" a real shot. I strongly support whichever side of the road it is we drive on. I have a hard time remembering after 2 months in Australia where I just walk around confused all the time, head on a swivel, but it is blatantly obvious that I wouldn't be able to operate a stick shift with my left hand as I have a hard enough time occasionally depressing the clutch. But what was so wrong with a meter that we decided to cut off a few inches? Now if you came and told me that the length of George Washington's stride was the exact length of a yard, I would be all for it. I am very pro-adoption of systems of measurement that use our great leader's gait as a standard. Unfortunately that isn't the case. According to Wikipedia, "The customary system was championed by the United States-based International Institute for Preserving and Perfecting Weights and Measures in the late 19th century. Advocates of the customary system saw the French Revolutionary, or metric, system as atheistic." Sounds like the perfect time to bring back the metric system to the U.S., half of today's youth are atheists anyway.
Wikipedia goes on to include a poem written by an auxiliary of the Institute of Ohio (I don't even know what that means):
Then down with every "metric" scheme
Taught by the foreign school,
We'll worship still our Father's God!
And keep our Father's "rule"!
A perfect inch, a perfect pint,
The Anglo's honest pound,
Shall hold their place upon the earth,
Till time's last trump shall sound!
Perhaps the metric system being taught in schools should be up for debate along with evolution. Clearly the inch is God's system. He did create men with about 6 of them attached (or closer to 4 if you're Japanese, sorry guys). No need for concern, that is not a link to a dick pic, but a map showing average penis size by country. I made sure to remove "average penis size by country" from my search window and close the tab on that immediately after use. Length of use unspecified.
It seems like it is time for our country to finally adopt one of the ways of the rest of the world, or perhaps fight a war on measurement systems. Either way, I appreciate the idea of a universal system. I don't want to ask someone how tall they are and have no idea what they're telling me. I don't want to have that brief moment of excitement where I'm like "holy shit gas prices are cheap here" until I realize they are selling by the liter instead of the gallon. I want that easy facilitation of transactions and information exchange. You know what's happening, I know what's happening, let's get this shit done.
Oh, and Great Britain what is it with you and your stones? That is not a real unit of measurement. "I weigh 14 stone." Well how big of a stone are we talking about here? We know you built the Stonehenge, get over it.
And a very loose tie-in to the title...I ain't gonna be part of your system.