Sunday, May 12, 2013

Rise and Fall: The Maxim Hot 100

While idly browsing (read: scanning 1 by 1, clicking through additional pictures) Maxim's recently released Hot 100 of 2013, I became unnerved by an apparent trend in Maxim's following: it is now principally comprised of 14-year old girls.

The evidence is condemning.  A top 100 list voted on "by the people" came to the conclusion that Miley Cyrus is the hottest woman in the world.  The girl that can't even decide what she looks like for more than 14 and a half minutes, perhaps stuck in the multi-personality universe of her former Disney character, Hannah Montana.

In response to being bestowed with this honor, Miley was quoted saying, "It feels amazing to be the No.1 especially because it was voted on by the fans. I have the best fans in the world!"  What are Miley Cyrus's fans doing voting in a Maxim poll?  They certainly shouldn't be Maxim readers.

Last I checked, Maxim readers were loosely defined as "men who want to have sex with women."  I have prepared a Venn Diagram for you.

As you can see, there is virtually no overlap between the fans of Miley Cyrus and those who want to bang her (i.e. read Maxim).

Now, there was a brief disruption in this relationship back in 2010/2011 with the release of "Party in the USA" that actually permitted me to use shading:

But without another insanely catchy song to continue this trend, we have quickly reverted to the original diagram.

Other Disney Stars in the top 10*:
2) Selena Gomez**
7) Ashley Tisdale
9) Vanessa Hudgens

Then Demi Lovato sneaks it in at #26, who I was sure until just now was only famous for her singing and had never gotten hot.  Turns out I might be a little wrong on this one but still.

You may argue, "But there aren't any other Disney stars in the top 100."  That's because their chaotic-pack-of-teenage-girls fanbase threw everything they had at all they got.  They sapped the Disney hotness pool dry.

This is like when MLB opened up All-Star voting internationally and all of a sudden Kosuke Fukudome was an All-Star.  He of the CAREER line of 42 HR and 192 RBI, a decent season for Miguel Cabrera if you ignore the inflated RBI numbers and .258 career batting average.  It is wrong, and should not be stood for.

*Full poll results actually showed Miley Cyrus got 2nd in the voting but Zach Efron was deemed ineligible after considerable deliberation (thus simultaneously bumping Justin Beiber from his spot at #3).

**Selena Gomez was the rightful #1 and we all know it.

The Hot 100 provided several other unusual results.  Some of them led me to believe they weren't really voted on at all.

The Democratic Plant.

#54: Kamala Harris.


"The current Attorney General of California."





Full Bio: "The current Attorney General of California cracks down on hate and financial crime like a bawss and created the Environmental Justice Unit in San Francisco. She makes following the law super sexy!"

And is popular enough to be FAN-voted into Maxim's Hot 100?  Are 14 year-old girls suddenly extremely politically savvy?  Did I just use 4 words in a row ending with a 'y'?  Are you allowed to make entire paragraphs of questions?

I think the Democrats bought her a spot.  Look for her on the 2016 ballots, you heard it hear first.

"Is it 1998?" 

- Ryan Martin

#23: Heather Graham
#10: Elisha Cuthbert
#6: Jennifer Love-Hewitt

Don't get me wrong, Heather Graham is still pretty hot, but its 2013.  Where is this coming from?  Is she playing a mom on a new Disney show?

I think this list is best paired with the movie in which each of their careers peaked.

#23: Heather Graham - Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
#10: Elisha Cuthbert - The Girl Next Door (2004)
#6: Jennifer Love-Hewitt - The Tuxedo (2002)

I have a really hard time saying anything bad about Jennifer Love-Hewitt, who recently stated the value of her boobs is greater than $5 million.  However, she has arguably never been in a good movie.  She is still absurdly hot though.

Then we have the ultimate blast from the 90's past, Danielle Fishel, #27, who you may better know as Topanga Lawrence from the long-retired "Boy Meets World."  Evidently she is re-launching her career in, wait for it, "Girl Meets World," the long-awaited spin-off.

Yes folks, they have managed to pull both Topanga and Ben Savage away from their booming post-BMW careers to star in the new show, which is expected to be picked up by, you guessed it, THE DISNEY CHANNEL.

Someone Is Trying To Get Free Double-Doubles For Life.

#93: Lynsi Torres.

I clicked on Lynsi Torres because it looked like her picture was of a staff at In-N-Out, and that intrigued me, because I love In-N-Out.  Double double animal style with fries and a strawberry milkshake.  All.  Day.  Long.

It turns out she is the youngest American female billionaire as the owner/heiress of the In-N-Out franchise, and not at all hot.

I don't blame whoever did this as his motivation clearly lies in the right place, but the fans surely couldn't have expected any sort of mass executive treatment for voting her in.

Fuck The Two Broke Girls.

#83: Kat Dennings.

No. No. No. No. Noooooooooo.  I fucking hate you and your goddamn face.  I even hate your enormous boobs.  You've brought disgrace to the acronym "DSL."

They haven't come up with a word yet that aptly describes my hatred for your horrendous atrocity of a TV show.  If you could turn "even worse than Two and a Half Men" into a word that would be how I would describe it.

The New Girl Is Old News?

#95: Zooey Deschanel

Last I checked, Zooey Deschanel was everyone's favorite weirdo to fiend for this side of Aubrey Plaza.*** I'm not one of those people that go apeshit for Zooey Deschanel, but I do recognize her mass popularity and the crazy number of people that would put her #1.  She's also a legitimately funny actress, which is more than I can say for most of the "comic" actresses on this list.  I'm looking at you Kat Dennings.  And my eyes are burning.

***The "this side of Aubrey Plaza" was only added after viewing these poll results and seeing Aubrey Plaza at #85, which I applaud.  She is very weird, and very weirdly attractive (although not more attractive than Zooey, although weirder).

I take issue with a couple other things on the list, but in the interest of broaching positivity, I will instead give my top 10 within the list, and my top 5 absentees.

10) Katharine McPhee (73)
9) Olivia Wilde (16)
8) Nina Dobrev (48)
7) Katrina Bowden (25)
6) Leighton Meester (36)
5) Jessica Alba (17)
4) Mila Kunis (4)
3) Nina Agdal (70)
2) Kate Upton (8)
1) Selena Gomez (2)

Honorable mentions go to Rachel Bilson (74), Eva Mendes (57), Blake Lively (24), Sara Underwood (71), and Sarah Hyland (44), who wasn't included because I felt skeezy enough with one 20-year-old on the list already.  The bottom two can really be replaced with any of these qutie as easily.  Also a lot of others.

Top 5 absentees off the top of my head:
5) Anna Kendrick (have to include my background girl)
4) Bar Rafaeli (for Ryan)
3) Kate Mara
2) Minka Kelly (how do you put her doppleganger at #36 and not include the original?)
1) Natalie Portman

In all fairness, I do have to tip my hat to Maxim's inclusion of Manti Te'o's girlfriend at the albeit-conspicuous ranking of #69.  Well played Maxim.  And while the combination of arbitrariness and Disney-influence leaves me wondering if the voting panel was about as real as Te'o's girlfriend, I always appreciate the entertainment value of a good top 100 list.