This has to start with a guilty admission: I follow McKayla Maroney on Twitter. Because I'm interested in gymnastics. That apparently makes it better.
In browsing Twitter today I clicked on her profile and scrolled through to see what sort of pics, I mean nonsense, she had recently posted. Included was a re-tweet of a top-25 list that pegged her as the 24th best actress of 2012. I at first questioned the list before noting that Selena Gomez was rightly placed at #1, therefore giving credence to everything else the author had to say. Plus, the site has 213,000 followers which means they flat out know their shit. I began to wonder about the absence of other esteemed actresses such as Alex Morgan and Carly Rae Jepsen, but Jared knows best.
It seems as though "actress" is also being loosely defined these days by our world-ordained actor-definer, IMDB.com. While browsing the IMDB list of "IMDb: Hottest Pics of the actresses on IMDB" (I swear this was not a normal day for me, although not altogether atypical) I decided to actually click the actress profiles of all the girls I was looking at, spurned on by my lack of knowledge of virtually everyone on the list, and the desire to be the only male in the world to do so. In doing so I stumbled across Jayden Cole, best known (according to IMDB) for her roles in the stellar films, "Bikini Frankenstein" (subtitled "She'll love you to pieces), "Life On Top" (surely no connotations), "Bikini Royale 2" (I was so worried they wouldn't make a second), and "Dark Secrets" (this ones just a blatant euphemism for the dark recesses). This led me to seek further information on her heretofore stunning acting credentials. Not only was she the star of these critically acclaimed films, she had also received an award nomination. I clicked. "Best All Girls Couples Sex Scene" for her unforgettable role in the gut-wrenching classic "Pin-Up Girls 5" which she of course shared with Victoria White. I assume its one of the Oscars they just breeze through real quickly in the middle because no-one really cares about them.
Her profile on IMDB described her, in the very first sentence, as a "buxom and shapely redhead stunner" which I quickly understood as the best way of describing her acting. I went on to learn that she had a background in horseback riding, in case I was looking to fill that niche role of the happily bouncing horseback rider. Then came the boomshot..."Jayden not only began her career in the adult entertainment by appearing in the pictorial 'Girls of the OC' in the August, 2006 issue of 'Playboy,' but also was featured on such adult websites as Danni's Hard Drive, Wicked Pictures, and Digital Playground. Cole started performing in girl/girl hardcore films at age 23 in July 2009."
...
What the what? Since when did online pornography qualify as IMDB material, or better yet, acting experience? Next thing you know I'm going to see profiles of girls from Red Tube:
Name: Monica...something
Born: At least a year before McKayla Maroney
Height: 5' 7" (when standing)
Known for: "Threesome Sex with Horny Chick", "Teen Needs Sex Treatment", "Just Hit It"
Description: Blonde, fake-breasted, and down for just about anything, Monica hails from Eastern Europe...
Come on people. We are defiling the sanctity that is the Internet Movie Database. I get that it has "internet movie" in the title, but that was supposed to be because it is LOCATED on the internet, not because it incorporates any and all internet material. If you're going to make a list of the hottest actresses on IMDB I think a prerequisite should be that they are actually goddamn actresses. Being able to keep a straight face while he unveils his enormous thundercock doesn't count (ok they usually smile, which I guess is pretty good acting, because I'd be trembling in fear). If I wanted the list of the hottest actresses on IMDB along with a bunch of slutty adult performers I would've clicked on that list instead, but I couldn't find it. The idea of a hottest actress list is to engage the reader by giving them people they may have actually heard of and thus inspire interest.
But for those of you who are interested in reading through such a grossly smut-inspired list, here it is in all its glory...I'll be re-joining you tomorrow. But be forewarned, the author's primary and pretty much only requirement seems to be incredibly large breasts. For redheads, that seems to be his absolute only requirement. Oh, and how in the world is that first chick the same Alexa Vega from Spy Kids? How old am I?
Jailbait...Failbait. A little Deadmau5 and Cypress Hill collaboration.
No comments:
Post a Comment